Disconnecting

Today at lunch (which I actually took for once) I was reading an article about celebs who were stepping away from social media for one reason or another, and I just wanted to share some thoughts and experiences I've had, and why I think it is absolutely important for mental health to set a healthy boundary with social media and technology in general. 

I have an unhealthy relationship with my phone. I spend way too much time on it, and way more time than I'm proud to admit on social media. I would love to be more disconnected from my phone, but I also have family spread across the country, and whenever I try to leave my phone in another room I get anxious. 

So how do you find a balance between not having your phone attached to you like an extra limb while combatting the guilt, stress, or anxiety of being out of reach? Spoiler alert, I do not have the answer for you. I barely have an idea of how to do it for me, and I'd venture to guess it's different for everyone.

I didn't fully realize how much media was affecting me until a couple years ago. My husband and I were starting to try to conceive, and we discovered we have some fertility issues and it isn't going to be an easy journey for us. As I was trying to cope with the thing I wanted more than anything, a family, becoming out of reach it felt like everyone I had ever interacted with was getting pregnant.

Friends from high school and college were posting pregnancy announcements, and my social media feeds felt like they were being flooded with happy couples and newborns. It all came to a head while I was watching New Girl. A character found out they were pregnant and I just lost it. "Can we have 1 show where people aren't getting pregnant?" I posted my anger on Facebook and stopped watching the show for months. I had gotten to the point where even fictional characters getting pregnant had me sobbing.  

I knew it wasn't rational to be distraught over pregnancy plotlines, and my friends probably weren't getting pregnant to spite me. But I was upset, I was grieving, and screens weren't helping. Admittedly, rage quitting TV shows and avoiding my timeline in hopes of missing more "We're Pregnant" posts weren't intentional steps I took to benefit my mental health. But the space from those things might have helped me open my eyes to some of the things around me that did help me heal. For me it was talking to my Mom and my best friend, insights from my Pastor, a lot of angry and tearful prayers, and having to fall back on faith. 

God and church aren't for everyone, and I never want you to feel like I'm slapping a God bandaid on things and calling it good. God was part of healing for me, but the more important takeaway is that taking a step away from the things that were upsetting me was really necessary for me to clear my mind and find some ways to heal. 

I now make a more conscious effort to avoid certain kinds of shows and content when I'm in a fragile place. I have to step away from my beloved true crime podcasts when my depression flares up, and sometimes I'm not in a place to watch intense shows or even happy ones with certain plotlines. 

I try to put my phone to the side when I'm reading or cross-stitching so I'm not tempted to investigate every single notification. I even went through my phone and turned off a ton of notifications. There is nothing happening on social media that requires my immediate attention. Facebook comments shouldn't pull me away from time with my friends and family. Every text doesn't have to be immediately answered. 

Just recently I started putting my phone on do not disturb at night. If someone on a specific, and short, list of people calls me, my phone will go off. Other than that, no pings or vibrations, which used to wake me up at night and give me anxiety. 

Sometimes we need space. For me, it's from social media and being constantly reachable. For you, it might be something else. The most important thing we can do though is to pay attention to our minds and our bodies. We get sent signals and warning signs when things aren't right, and we have to be responsible for noticing them and adjusting what we're doing. 

Infertility still plagues me. Images of happy families and pregnancy announcements still hurt, and sometimes I feel more bitter than happy. But now I know when I need to step back. I know when I need to put my phone face down and dig into what's happening in my brain. I take time to journal, to reflect on why things are more triggering today, and step away from sources of stress until I feel more confident about my headspace. 

I feel pretty confident in saying that the world will not crumble if you step away from Instagram for an hour. Take the time to think about how social media is benefitting you, and the answer isn't a blanket 'it isn't'. I love memes and videos of cute animals, and laughing at Tik Toks. Focus in on the good things the digital age can give you, and take the time to think about if there are other things you want to focus on instead of feed scrolling. 

Find your balance. Find your peace. Find a strategy that works for you. You deserve to have peace in your soul.  

Purging & Praying

 As I’m growing up and (hopefully) becoming more mature, I’ve been reflecting on my past. After a lot of therapy, growing up, and learning, I’m seeing choices, relationships, and experiences I went through with new clarity. And while I’m proud of myself for that growth, I think a bit of turmoil comes with reevaluating and reliving these experiences.

I’ve been thinking a lot about some of my past relationships, and I’m only now realizing how destructive they were. I’m just now seeing them for what they really are, and how they broke me, and to put it plainly, it’s upsetting as hell. Not only am I trying to come to terms with some traumatic stuff, but I have to do it years after the fact when there’s no possibility of a confrontation or apology.

I can’t dress down an old friend who betrayed everything our years-long friendship stood for. I don’t get to yell at the boy who used me over and over for his own gain, knowing I cared too much for him to ever say no. There’s no way to recant my apology to my rapist.

So where do these feelings go? How do you find peace after digging up the past and realizing what it was without the rose-colored glasses of youth and naivety? I’m not the same person I was then, and I hope with all my heart they aren’t either. I hope we’ve all grown, and I hope the person I am now can be some kind of penance for the pain I’m sure I caused other people.

The only way I know to grapple with being torn this way is to pray. To turn the pain and hurt over to God and ask him to help me find the path to forgiveness. They say the hardest apology to accept is the one you never get, and I know that none of these people will ever stand on my doorstep to say they’re sorry. That’s hard to accept, but I genuinely hope that if I ever found myself in front of any of them I would have the grace to smile and wish them well, and I hope that anyone I hurt knows that I regret being their villain, and I am working to be a better version of myself.

So here, where no one or everyone may see, I’ll say my piece and make my peace.

To the girl I thought would always be in my life…

I hate how you ended our friendship. You took my deepest, darkest fear and you made it a reality. You spat on the years I spent trying to be everything for you, on the time I spent trying to help you heal, on every moment I worried about your peace and happiness.

I pray that you’ve found peace. I pray that you’ve learned to love yourself the way you deserve because you deserve love without condition, that doesn’t need to be earned, and that will never falter. I pray that you love the life you’ve built, that you smile every single day, and that you’ve found genuine people to surround yourself with.

To the boy who chose my body over my friendship…

I detest what you let me do for you. I despise that I was willing to be the other woman and betray another woman, just for your time. I hate that you chose to use me and to use my body over the friendship I gave you and would have always given you. I hate the girl I was with you, and I hate that you let her exist for your own use.

I pray that you care for the people in your tribe deeply and that you give more than you take from the hearts of those around you. I hope you sing loudly and freely and find something in each day that makes you laugh. I pray you’ve found phenomenal relationships that you nurture and cherish, and I hope people return that to you in spades. I pray that you’re happy and that one day I find enough forgiveness in myself to remember only your best qualities.

To the man who broke me into shards of who I could’ve been…

You stole from me. You stole who I could’ve been, you stole my trust, you stole my faith. You forced me to live through hell and experience a hell that I would never wish unto anyone, not even you. You burned every bridge that could lead to pure peace.

I pray that you find a way to heal from the hurt that made you who you were. I pray you feel truly loved by the people around you, and I pray you never feel unworthy of that love. I pray you’re given second chances to make amends and that you take them. I pray that every day of your life you find more things to love than to hate. I pray you have peace from your demons and know that I no longer see you as one of mine.