When I casually toss a couple chips in my mouth and I bite down, that crunch gives me the same feeling I imagine a drug addict feels when they get hit with the full intensity of their latest fix. It isn’t just a snack, or a munchie, or a quick bite. It’s a compulsive craving that I need to satisfy.
I’ve been binge eating as long as I can remember. Maybe it started as a bad habit of eating in front of the tv, or a lack of understanding of portion control, who knows really. AllI do know is that now I almost don’t know how to have a meal that doesn’t end with me being so full that I feel sick.
The thought of not binge eating, or the thought that I can’t go get an excessive amount of food, is enough to send me into a genuine panic attack. My heart races and I can feel myself losing the ability to breath. All because I don’t want to shove food down my throat.
I think that’s the hardest part of it...I don’t want to binge. I know it isn’t healthy, and I don’t want to do it. I want to be healthy, and not snack, and lose weight. I know it may sound like an excuse, but it’s more than a bad habit, it’s a compulsion.
Chips, cookies, pizza, pasta, crackers...all of those crap foods, they’re my drug. I crave them, no matter how much I tell myself I shouldn’t, and I hate myself for it. I’ve hated myself for a lot of things over the years, and I don’t want to anymore. I want to be healthy, and better, and most importantly I want to be happy with who I am and the choices I make. So I’m starting today and I’m going to fuck it all up, but this time I’m going to keep trying and keep at it, and keep fighting.
