This afternoon I sat at a small table by a window at work, eating lunch, and working on my bible study notes. People walked by and complimented the pink dress I had on; my CEO commented on how focused I was. To a stranger walking by I looked like a pulled-together girl boss who was using her lunch to commune with the Lord.
Far from it folks. I wasn’t even trying that hard to hide my mess.
1. The lunch I was casually eating at the sun-soaked table was microwave pizza bites because I had no drive to even grab a Healthy Choice meal on my way out the door.
2. My cute curly updo was actually just my hair in a top knot because I couldn't sleep until like 2 a.m. and I barely had the energy to get out of bed this morning, much less wash my hair.
3. A lead ball of stress, anxiety, and tension was sitting firmly in my stomach, its source unknown.
4. The workbook I was writing in was a last-minute assignment I put off until the literal last possible second, and most of my responses were half-hearted or about how I felt like an idiot when I tried to “witness the grace around me and thank God for it”
a. Also, I forgot to capitalize “Him/Lord/He” like you’re supposed to but I wasn’t writing with an erasable pen cause my ADHD had me hyper-focused on a different style of pen this week.
5. I had a big glass of cold water next to me that I wasn’t drinking fast enough because I was running on iced coffee and Adderall to drag myself through the day
6. I was frazzled because I had gotten all the way to work before I realized I was still wearing my dog walking flip flops so I had to go home and change because society has told me that if I don’t look my best I’m never going to be respected or successful.
7. It was hard to focus because my internal battle over “enjoy being in the moment” and “why the f*ck aren’t you thinner and prettier and more productive and helping more people and doing more good” were raging in the background of my head as always
8. A tab in my mind was playing “Financial Worry Sonata #4” as I subconsciously stressed about not saving enough money, medical debt, and the price tag of the crown I need to get on my tooth next week
That’s honestly just a surface-level snapshot. I have deeper demons and an endless list of other imperfections no one sees until my inner dialogue imagines them judging me. People saw happy Liz from marketing sitting in the sun enjoying her lunch and passionately working on something.
The part that kills me is that if I walked by someone in that position, I would spend a minimum of two days wishing I could be more like them or thinking about all the ways I fail to live up to my potential on a minute-by-minute basis.
We all do it. We all take a cursory glance at a friend or coworker or stranger and spend endless hours comparing ourselves to a snapshot we’ve put dozens of filters over. I used to spend my car rides home from church silently wishing I could be as good of a Christian as my best friend. Then one day she said she wished she could be as good of a Christian as me.
Y’all I could’ve run off the road right then. This girl knows the bible backward and forward. She leads worship music that makes me feel alive. She can quote scripture and answer any question I have and she has a heart that would put any Saint to shame. The woman who I idolized thought she was lesser than me. We had both been silently comparing ourselves to one another and feeling like we were coming up short.
How crazy is that? First, there is no checklist for being a good person or living your life ‘right’. If there was I would have found it by now. Secondly, we all know we put our best foot forward when we walk out the door and we keep our mess behind the scenes. So if we know that we’re doing that, how on earth do we not realize that EVERYONE is doing it?
We’re all doing our best. We’re just trying. Some days we do better than others. Some days we don’t even have it in us to try. Then we walk out the door and keep a tally of all the people we’re worse than. It’s insanity.
I’d love for this to be the part where I tell you to rise above it like me and live a life free of judgment and critique. I’d love to tell you I’ve embraced my true ‘me’ and now I’m free and happy and butterflies shoot out my butt. Ain’t true.
My bestie and I still compare ourselves to others. I still put on a happy face to hide my mess and never think anyone else is doing the same. I keep a mental list of all the ways the people around me are better than me, and it literally makes me sick. I can feel that stress ball in my stomach. I feel anxiety clamping around my heart. I can sense the tidal wave of spiraling thoughts before it keeps me up until 2 a.m.
It's all so much easier said than done. It’s so easy when I’m surrounded by my bible study group to declare my independence from it all. “God made me, and he loves me just as I am!” I declare until I get home and silently call myself pathetic for not having put my clothes away yet.
My self-worth is a ping pong ball. Some days I feel good and I’m happy and I find peace where I’m planted, but some days nothing I do is right, and I will never recover from all the failures I’ve enacted. But if I can do one thing, it’s pull back the curtain to show you my mess.
I give advice I don’t follow. I eat junk food and don’t work out and lament about not being skinnier. I spend my evenings on my phone instead of cleaning up piles of laundry or unpacking boxes from my move three months ago. I fight with my husband and roll my eyes at my parents and never clean my car out. I prayed for years for my own office and now I barely even use it. I AM A MESS.
We’re all a mess in one way or another. We all hide it, which is fine. You don’t have to put your mess on a Times Square billboard. Just try, even on hard days, to remember that we all have messes we hide, and no one has it totally figured out. Don’t let the life you imagine other people having make you feel bad. Try to drink some water, maybe eat a vegetable this week, and give yourself a break.
You deserve it.
