In 2021 I, along with millions of other Americans, sat down to watch the 2021 Vice Presidential Debate. That night led to a turning point for me, and I’m still working through the aftermath. That night, Kamala Harris turned to Mike Pence and said, “I’m speaking”.
Despite being 28 years old, that was the first time I had truly understood that as a woman, I had the right to speak up when men interrupted me. Some of you are probably thinking, “Well duh”, but, like many young girls, I was raised to be demure, polite, and quiet. If a man interrupted me, talked over me, or cut me off, I was to smile, nod, listen attentively, and finish my thought when and if the opportunity arose after others were done speaking.
That night opened my eyes, and I suddenly started noticing just how frequently people, mostly men, would cut me off in the middle of sentences. Worse yet, most of them seemed to either not notice that they were cutting me off, or weren’t listening in the first place, and didn’t realize I had even been speaking to them.
The most heartbreaking part though was what happened when I brought it up. Mind you, I was still terrified to be perceived as impolite, so I broached the subject gently and politely, because as we all know if women show any type of emotion we are immediately labeled as hysterical and everything we say is ignored. But even when I said “I’m sorry, but I was still speaking” and explained that that was upsetting, a lot of men did not change their behavior.
I expected that some people I didn’t know well, colleagues or acquaintances, might not take me seriously, and might ignore my comments. What I did not expect, and what was the most gutting of all, was that men I was close to, who I had long-term, close friendships and relationships with, would ignore me. Even after exposing my insecurities and how being talked over made me feel small and insignificant, some of them were still incapable or unwilling to even try.
Interestingly enough, when I expressed the same feelings to some of my female friends, the response was instant. Even now if one of my close friends interrupts or talks over me, they apologize, genuinely, before I even say anything. And that genuine concern has taken all the sting out of those interruptions. When one of us, because I’m guilty of cutting people off too, speaks out of turn, we note the behavior, correct it, and apologize before the other person even has time to be hurt. For me, knowing that they care enough to be cognizant of how that makes me feel, is huge.
Now, several years after first having this realization, I’m more comfortable speaking up, and I’m working on assuaging the guilt I feel speaking up about it and asking to be treated with respect. But, I am still dealing with the fact that, on an almost daily basis, there are still men in my life who interrupt me, talk over me, and don’t notice. There are some men in my life who, despite knowing that being talked over makes me feel weak, unloved, and takes me back to an abusive relationship in my youth, still can’t or won’t work on their behavior.
With the Barbie movie sweeping the nation, and hopefully with more and more women beginning to see their own worth and speak up for themselves, I want you to know, as someone who is walking that same path, that it is not easy. But as you begin to set boundaries, remember that the people who love and care for you will have no problem respecting them, supporting you, and celebrating you as you grow. So when you find yourself faced with people who are upset with your growth, who push back against the boundaries you set, or who don’t change their behavior that hurts you, you’re allowed to push back and speak up. You deserve people who support you, and you will find them.
