Divorce is kind of a beautiful thing. I’m sure that’s an
odd thing to hear anyone say, especially a woman who has only been married
three years, but its true to me.
Too often when the word “divorce” comes up we think of
messy fights and failed marriages, and we politely turn our heads away to let
the couple bask in the shame of their inability to tough it out.
Why is it that divorce is the only time we shame people
and deem them a failure for leaving something that doesn’t work?
If someone’s car breaks down and they get a new one, we
congratulate them.
When someone leaves a crappy job to live out their dream,
we praise them.
We swarm to support people who break up with a boyfriend
or girlfriend that wasn’t the right fit.
So why is it that when two people choose to end a marriage
that no longer works, they’re labeled as failures?
There are so many reasons for divorce, and they are all
valid. How often in life are you asked to make a decision that you can never
change or adjust until you die? How many of us are completely different people
than we were 5, 10, or 30 years ago?
Why can’t we celebrate the courage it takes to make the
choice to get divorced, and boldly and loudly pledge our support as both people
set out on a new journey?
I adore both of my parents. They are loving and caring and
absolutely fantastic human beings, but they sucked at being married together.
At some point they stopped being in love. They stopped being what the other
needed. They stopped being the people they were when they got married and the
people that they became weren’t soulmates.
Family dinners were tense. Family photos were hellacious.
Vacations were a delicate balance of laughter and arguments. None of us were
happy in that marriage, and as the years went past, the happy times become more
and more overshadowed by tension, stress, and anger.
So, they got divorced.
Ten years ago they separated, split their lives, and ended their marriage. And it was possibly the best thing that ever happened to them, and to my brother and me. My dad had the chance to take an incredible job and completely change his life. My mom met her soul mate and started a new adventure that was all laughter and joy. My parents were happier apart than they were together, and there is not a single thing wrong with that.
They’re both still good friends. We all gather joyfully for weddings and holidays and important moments in our family. Their relationship with their kids is better. As I’ve grown, I’ve gotten to see my parents become entirely new people, and that blossoming has never had to be dimmed by forced smiles or hushed arguments. We all got to build new relationships after their divorce as they each got to become their true selves, rather than the unhappy spouse, the unfulfilled partner, or the emotionally tormented parent.
My brother and I got a fantastic stepdad
who we love and who loves us like we’re his own. Our family grew through
marriage, through friendships that were only forged thanks to my dad moving to
Indiana. Everything from my dog to my career has been a result, in some big or
small way, of my parents deciding that they wanted to happy and divorced
instead of unhappy and together.
My parents’ divorce, which so many would call a failure,
or a tragedy, or disgraceful, has become the steppingstone to all of us being
happier, all of us experiencing more love, and joy.
Divorce isn’t a failure. It’s a chapter. People grow and evolve,
and lives change, and dreams shift, and everyone deserves to pursue those branching
paths. And while I hope every marriage can be as beautiful and perfect and
flawless as the moment the two people fell in love, I understand that that’s
just not how life always works. Divorce is a next step, a first step even, to
people finding their destiny. It’s the first chapter in a story of happier
families.
