"I'm caught in a rainbow, but it feels like I'm drowning." - Liz Skelton
A lot is going on in my life right now. I'm two months into a new job, we're starting fertility treatments, we're buying a house, and my church is expanding just to name a few. It's all good stuff. None of it is something I have to go through alone, but it still feels just as overwhelming and stressed and anxious and out of control as when my life has been falling to pieces.
Needless to say, all these are great. We've been dreaming of a house for years and not only did we find a perfect starter house, but we can actually afford it. We have a great fertility doctor who has our issues figured out and we're working through a game plan of how we can overcome them to get pregnant. My husband and I both have good jobs that make it so we can pay bills and not live check to check. Everything is great, but that doesn't mean everything is perfect.
We're overwhelmed with blessings and answers to our prayers, but we're still overwhelmed. And for a long time I struggled with feelings of guilt because even though everything was going well, I wasn't magically happy. I was still feeling stressed and tired. I deal with my anxiety by micromanaging as many aspects of my life as possible (I'm on the waitlist for therapy, no worries). But we were thrown into a pool of unknowns. I don't know the intimate details of mortgages. No amount of color coded lists will guarantee my body cooperates at the doctor. My zeal for my growing church doesn't mean I don't feel exhausted Sunday mornings and have to drag myself there sometimes without much excitement.
I felt so guilty about that. I'm finally getting everything on my dream board lined up, but I'm still asking God for help. I'm still trying to figure out how much I can get done while chewing Xanax. I'm wanting to go to bed at a good time while also wanting to stay up so I can enjoy a few hours that aren't clogged with anxiety inducing to-do's. I didn't feel like I had any right to still not be perfectly content.
Like I said at the start, I'm caught in the middle of a beautiful, vibrant, colorful rainbow, but I'm choking on the colors. I'm not well-versed in the bible. I recently equated the book of Jonah to being "like the movie Pinocchio, right? He ends up in a whale?" (Not quite as my bestie and Pastor gently informed me), but I am pretty sure there's no verse that says the price of an answered prayer is unflinching happiness in perpetuity.
Long story short, it isn't a crime to still feel overwhelmed and stressed when things are going well. Answered prayers don't mean you have to grit your teeth and smile forever. Good stuff can be exhausting. Blessings can come with overwhelming work attached. If you're religious or spiritual, there's no shame in thanking God in one breath and asking him to help see you through things in the next. If God isn't your jam, there's also no shame in just being happy for good stuff but still feeling stressed. And if anyone tells you different, send them to me.
So be happy, but deal with the stress too. Acknowledge it and figure out your best ways to cope. I go for loud car singing, some stress crying in the shower, and rewatching my comfort shows while playing mindless puzzles games. The greener pastures aren't sunny 24/7. There's still rain and mud and hail and windchill. As Paramore says, "Just hang with me in my weather".
