Extra Salty

When I casually toss a couple chips in my mouth and I bite down, that crunch gives me the same feeling I imagine a drug addict feels when they get hit with the full intensity of their latest fix. It isn’t just a snack, or a munchie, or a quick bite. It’s a compulsive craving that I need to satisfy.

I’ve been binge eating as long as I can remember. Maybe it started as a bad habit of eating in front of the tv, or a lack of understanding of portion control, who knows really. AllI do know is that now I almost don’t know how to have a meal that doesn’t end with me being so full that I feel sick.

The thought of not binge eating, or the thought that I can’t go get an excessive amount of food, is enough to send me into a genuine panic attack. My heart races and I can feel myself losing the ability to breath. All because I don’t want to shove food down my throat.

I think that’s the hardest part of it...I don’t want to binge. I know it isn’t healthy, and I don’t want to do it. I want to be healthy, and not snack, and lose weight. I know it may sound like an excuse, but it’s more than a bad habit, it’s a compulsion.

Chips, cookies, pizza, pasta, crackers...all of those crap foods, they’re my drug. I crave them, no matter how much I tell myself I shouldn’t, and I hate myself for it. I’ve hated myself for a lot of things over the years, and I don’t want to anymore. I want to be healthy, and better, and most importantly I want to be happy with who I am and the choices I make. So I’m starting today and I’m going to fuck it all up, but this time I’m going to keep trying and keep at it, and keep fighting.    

Blind to Blessings

The other day, on my way home from work, I saw three men doing drugs under an overpass. I frowned, seeing these young guys caught up in something so bad for them, then turned up my radio and sang along to Adele on my way home to my apartment.

The next day, while passing the same overpass, I noticed the same three men, but this time they weren't kneeling in a circle preparing to indulge in a street corner commodity. They were huddled under the bridge, trying to keep warm, using a hunk of a cardboard box to shield themselves from the biting wind that came along with the first day of spring.

When the full reality of the situation hit me, I felt like my rose colored glasses had been torn from my eyes and smashed on the sidewalk. My eyes were open and on my drive home I realized that I passed people on every street corner, at every stoplight, who needed help.

My heart broke as I thought of how often I take for granted the incredible life I have. Not only do I have a place to lay my head every night, but I have food in my fridge, money in the bank, a car that I can rely on, and most importantly, I have a backup plan and a support system for if any one of my blessings ever for any reason are to disappear. I have another warm home to go to. I have places to eat. I have enough money to tide myself through rough times.

So today, please do me a favor. Look around at your life, and take a moment to appreciate everything you have. Sure, we all have flaws, and things we wish we could have in our lives, and we all have hard times whether we live under an overpass, in a shelter, or in a nice home with a warm bed, but regardless of what your situation is, find one thing, every single day, to be thankful for.

My heart is driving me to share my blessings and do what I can do help the people in my community. If you want to know how you can help, check out the links below. There are some great tips and a plethora of ways to help and be involved whether you want to do something big or small.

https://www.justgive.org/donations/help-homeless.jsp

http://www.wikihow.com/Help-the-Homeless