Big Feels Today

 It's 8:30 a.m. and I'm already having a rough day. 

I'm so tired of people rolling their eyes at me, and so many others, wanting a better world. I'm tired of people being against goodness. I'm sick of all the infighting and the blame and the hate we spew towards one another. I'm just tired of existing in a world like this. 

I was 8 years old when I had my first active shooter drill at school. Around that age we were told to have a code word for if anyone other than our parents picked us up from school so we wouldn't get kidnapped. I learned about how Dr. King was murdered because he wanted people to be equal. I watched a music video about a little girl who was beaten to death by abusive parents. I saw people jump from the Twin Towers as they fell. 

I was 8 years old when people started to teach me that the world is a bad place. I was a child when I learned that people would murder each other recklessly for no reason. 20 years later I still get an uneasy feeling in my stomach in movie theatres, because what if someone walks in and starts shooting? I carry my phone with me at all times because what if I need to call 9-1-1 when someone comes into my workplace with a gun? 

I worry about having a baby girl. I worry about her skipping meals to try and be skinny. I worry one day someone she trusts will try to rape her. I worry about having a son. How do I raise him to not be Brock Turner? How do I raise them to be careful of bad people while encouraging them to help strangers?

Some days I feel like the odds are stacked against people. I know there are incredible people out there who are going to change the world, but sometimes I wonder how they'll do it. People scoff when I say that having a reliable car shouldn't be a privilege. The people who run this country actively work against helping people. 

You shouldn't have to work your fingers to the bone to afford childcare, or food, or a nice place to live. Kids should all have access to well funded schools with caring teachers. Every single person who dreams of going to college should be able to, without financial ruin. No one should be homeless. No one should be denied healthcare because of a price tag. The quality of your life should have nothing to do with where you were born or the color of your skin or how much money your parents had. 

We need to stop scoffing at the people who want better. We need to stop seeing everything as an attack on our values. We have to stop thinking about ourselves only, and putting the well being of the world on the back burner. These issues aren't across the globe, though that shouldn't mean we don't care. 

Kids are getting shot up the street from your house. Families are starving in your neighborhood. People are suffering an arms length away and it feels like no one cares. If we can't have enough grace to let someone merge onto the highway in front of us, how are we supposed to help anyone? 

I don't have an inspirational message today. I don't have an uplifting story or a witty quote. I'm just tired. So many of us are tired, but so many more are uninterested, and it breaks my heart a little more every day.