Purging & Praying

 As I’m growing up and (hopefully) becoming more mature, I’ve been reflecting on my past. After a lot of therapy, growing up, and learning, I’m seeing choices, relationships, and experiences I went through with new clarity. And while I’m proud of myself for that growth, I think a bit of turmoil comes with reevaluating and reliving these experiences.

I’ve been thinking a lot about some of my past relationships, and I’m only now realizing how destructive they were. I’m just now seeing them for what they really are, and how they broke me, and to put it plainly, it’s upsetting as hell. Not only am I trying to come to terms with some traumatic stuff, but I have to do it years after the fact when there’s no possibility of a confrontation or apology.

I can’t dress down an old friend who betrayed everything our years-long friendship stood for. I don’t get to yell at the boy who used me over and over for his own gain, knowing I cared too much for him to ever say no. There’s no way to recant my apology to my rapist.

So where do these feelings go? How do you find peace after digging up the past and realizing what it was without the rose-colored glasses of youth and naivety? I’m not the same person I was then, and I hope with all my heart they aren’t either. I hope we’ve all grown, and I hope the person I am now can be some kind of penance for the pain I’m sure I caused other people.

The only way I know to grapple with being torn this way is to pray. To turn the pain and hurt over to God and ask him to help me find the path to forgiveness. They say the hardest apology to accept is the one you never get, and I know that none of these people will ever stand on my doorstep to say they’re sorry. That’s hard to accept, but I genuinely hope that if I ever found myself in front of any of them I would have the grace to smile and wish them well, and I hope that anyone I hurt knows that I regret being their villain, and I am working to be a better version of myself.

So here, where no one or everyone may see, I’ll say my piece and make my peace.

To the girl I thought would always be in my life…

I hate how you ended our friendship. You took my deepest, darkest fear and you made it a reality. You spat on the years I spent trying to be everything for you, on the time I spent trying to help you heal, on every moment I worried about your peace and happiness.

I pray that you’ve found peace. I pray that you’ve learned to love yourself the way you deserve because you deserve love without condition, that doesn’t need to be earned, and that will never falter. I pray that you love the life you’ve built, that you smile every single day, and that you’ve found genuine people to surround yourself with.

To the boy who chose my body over my friendship…

I detest what you let me do for you. I despise that I was willing to be the other woman and betray another woman, just for your time. I hate that you chose to use me and to use my body over the friendship I gave you and would have always given you. I hate the girl I was with you, and I hate that you let her exist for your own use.

I pray that you care for the people in your tribe deeply and that you give more than you take from the hearts of those around you. I hope you sing loudly and freely and find something in each day that makes you laugh. I pray you’ve found phenomenal relationships that you nurture and cherish, and I hope people return that to you in spades. I pray that you’re happy and that one day I find enough forgiveness in myself to remember only your best qualities.

To the man who broke me into shards of who I could’ve been…

You stole from me. You stole who I could’ve been, you stole my trust, you stole my faith. You forced me to live through hell and experience a hell that I would never wish unto anyone, not even you. You burned every bridge that could lead to pure peace.

I pray that you find a way to heal from the hurt that made you who you were. I pray you feel truly loved by the people around you, and I pray you never feel unworthy of that love. I pray you’re given second chances to make amends and that you take them. I pray that every day of your life you find more things to love than to hate. I pray you have peace from your demons and know that I no longer see you as one of mine.