Damn Polar Bears

I'm not sure what happened during the four hours of sleep I got last night, but I'm pretty sure I somehow became cursed. Its Friday, I only have to work until 11:30, and the day is a fucking disaster.

It all started before I even opened my eyes. Somehow I slammed my elbow directly into my nightstand with so much force that my entire hand went numb.

Then a very perky spider decides the perfect moment to descend from the heavens of my bathroom ceiling would be whilst I'm peeing. Naked and afraid folks.

So I manage to trudge through the morning, make coffee, make breakfast, and get into my vehicle in one piece, with only a few homicidal thoughts.

The vehicle has no heat. Why? Dunno. But I live in Michigan, and heat is a somewhat important thing for a car to have. My car, however, seems to disagree. She's in some serious summer denial and is cranking out air that would make a freezer shiver.

Thankfully I'm a warm human, and I live a mile from work. I don't freeze to death, though I am almost permanently blinded by the morning sun, which I'm pretty sure is now brighter.

I'm blind. I'm cold. I'm tired. I make it to work. Yeah, folks, we are 30 minutes into my day at this point, and we haven't even gotten started.

I'm walking into work, ready to push past the morning trauma and get shit done, when I realize I left my breakfast in the car. This seems like a simple fix, but oh no no no. Not on "Let's Kill Liz" day.

I walk back to my car, unlock it, reach for my paper towel wrapped breakfast, and drench myself with frigid water from my Yeti. This is an especially remarkable feat considering the opening on my yeti lid is like 1/1,000,000 of an inch.

I'm now cold...well, colder, wet, and very done with the day. Perfect time to strut into the office. Thankfully all was well for like an entire 40 minutes. I'm still cold and I have a headache from the sun shining directly through my corneas, but I'm a trooper.

Well, we ain't done yet folks. I glance down to see an email from my bank. "Your -$247.39 balance is below your alert amount of $10". NO SHIT KAREN. I'm no genius, but I do know -247.39 is less than 10.

Turns out a shoe company charged me 6 times for an order that didn't even go through. So I shiver and massage my temples as I listen to the nauseating hold music, and I get it sorted. At this point, I was ready to pop up the block to the church on the corner and just do a shot of holy water.

After all that I needed comforting, and luckily, my coffee thermos stood proudly on my desk, ready to serve. I took a sip of my lifeline liquid and- it sucked. I was sipping watered down garbage.

This time the universe went too far. I was not happy. I had just spent a week getting a fancy, purple, reusable K-Cup, finding my favorite coffee in ground form, and even hacking the Keurig "this pod wasn't designed for this brewer" system.

I ADULTED. I was a good millennial and was trying to be green! I'm trying to save the polar bears man! Through research, I learned that for some diabolical reason, the reusable pods make much weaker coffee than regular ones. 

The heck man. I'm just trying to live my life, be politically conscious, become educated, be environmentally conscious, save up for a house, get two masters degrees, plan for a family, improve my community, and save the polar bears. I'm simple like that.

Now you're telling me I have to CHOOSE between coffee and polar bears? Well I thought it over and I came to the definitive decision that after all of this work...my kids don't need polar bears. Sorry guys. Mama needs coffee, as you can clearly see.